Thursday, June 19, 2008

Right down the drain!

Well, this has definitely NOT been my month...or year for that matter. I thought 30 was supposed to be spectacular. So far it's been nothing but shit! And I mean that in more than 1 way!

Here's the latest development in Sarahland. My toilet in my basement bathroom (which is the one I use the most because my bedroom is downstairs, as is the shower) has been leaking for over a month and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I finally decided it was the valve and shut the sucker off until I could afford to call someone to come fix it. Well, that was all fine and dandy for a couple weeks. Then my sister came to town and I happened to be downstairs when she flushed the toilet upstairs...and heard bubbling noises. There was water coming up my sink in the basement bathroom...not sewage, just water...but still. Not okay. Then when I started a load of laundry it did the same thing.

So, I called my contractor friends that have done several projects on my humble abode and they came over to check it out. They said the valve needed replaced and weren't too concerned over the water in the sink. They had another job to finish and then would come take care of my little problem.

So, my sister showered the next morning while I was sitting in the hot tub. I came in went to shower and noticed brown stuff on the floor right in front of the shower and water all over the floor. I cleaned it up...yes, the germaphobe cleaned it up...I told myself it was just dirt. THEN, I pulled back the shower curtain and saw the space between the shower and the wall. I should mention, this bathroom sucks and the shower is one of those nasty ones that is just kinda an afterthought and set in. So there is space under it and behind it. Anyway, I pulled the shower curtain and more brown stuff everywhere. So, again, I cleaned it up and told myself the water had just pushed dirt out from under the nasty shower. After I got it all cleaned up...I had no choice but to shower...and that's the only one I've got. When I got out, there was water everywhere, between the wall and the shower was about a foot of water standing. I wanted to cry really. Instead, I called my dad. That poor man. He deserves sainthood, a huge vacation away from me and my phone calls, and to win the lottery to repay him for all the emergencies he's had to take care of for me!

I left a message for my contractor friends about what happened and called a plumber. They weren't able to come til this morning. That is when I came to the lovely realization that I have no clean-out, which means he had to take the toilet completely out to roto-rooter. On top of that, I'm pretty sure because the people that lived here before me put that craptastic shower in and didn't have the flooring go underneath it, just to the doubt the water was underneath the flooring as was the shit (or dirt..whichever version you prefer) there is probably mold and all kinds of nastiness under there and it will have to be replaced. My dad said we may even have to take the shower out and put a new one in to be able to get to the nastiness under it. Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to get a real shower since I bought the place...I just don't currently have the funds for this nonsense. poor, poor dad. This is just one more affirmation to him that he REALLY wants to get me married off so my problems are someone else's problems! ha He and my mom are even offering to pay for an online dating service. Swell.

Anyway, the plumber is here the toilet out and is roto-rooting away. I hate the noise, am repulsed by the smell, and I refuse to even go look in there until it's done. Oh, and they took a chunk out of my wall with the machine on the way down the stairs.
Like I said, it's just not my year. 30 sucks and so does bad plumbing. I'll take 31 anyday now please!

The only good news for the day, my friend Lisa is coming through town today and bringing me a CASE of Bran Flakes. Yippee! Of course, you know what that means...more shit. Sigh.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Marble hurts

(oops. Here's one more...written March 28th.)

Another day in the life of Sarah.

Yesterday after lunch, I head over to the courthouse to pick up a display board from my friend at the extension office. She is letting me borrow it for my booth at a health fair this weekend. Of course her office is on the 3rd floor and the courthouse is one of the only buildings in town that has more than 1 floor, so I always take the stairs...the very hard, shiny, non-padded, marble stairs. I pick up the big display board, leave her office, and head back to the stairs. I make it down about 2 and I don’t know what happens, other than I trip over my own damn foot. I’m carrying this huge display board bag, am diving face first down a flight of stairs, and am crunching toes, ankles, knees, wrists, elbows, etc. as I go down. I finally think to let go of the damn board and grab for the railing...which scrapes the crap outta my arms and legs as I continue to keep falling. I finally get to the bottom, laying there in a heap of a mangled, twisted up, bruised, already swollen, bloody, scraped up, confused, embarrassed, pissed off mess.

Believe it or not, I did not scream, yell, cuss, or make any sound as I went down those stairs...other than the huge thud I’m sure my body made hitting each stair! I cannot fathom it, but no one in that courthouse heard or saw me fall! So, once I caught my breath, I got up and got the hell outta of there before I lost it and started sobbing. (This ticked my dad off....what if you broked something and no one knew you fell in there...blah, blah, blah...whatever...I tripped on my own foot dad.) I make it to my car and start freaking. Drive to my house which is about a block and everything is swollen, there is skin missing, my entire body was jacked up, and head and face started tingling AND I started puking. I didn’t recall hitting my head at all. That is when I really freaked out. So I talked to a friend who made me get over there immediately. I was fighting hard not to fall asleep also. So everyone was convinced I had a concussion...but I wouldn’t go to the ER (because I was there a couple weeks ago if you remember...for my gay swollen eyelid!) because what can they do for a concussion anyway?! So I had already scheduled for a massage for 6pm and thought that would be perfect. When I got there she told me it would make it worse and I’d have to wait, not to use heat (in other words, no hot tub either), only ice and to watch for specific signs when I start to go to sleep.

So last night when I finally go to bed, can you say PARANOID?!?!

My friend Marcy thinks I should just start wearing protective headgear. My dad thinks I should pay more attention to what I’m doing and work out my quad muscles more so my knees stop giving out (which is humorous, because he has the same problem). I think I should just never leave my house unattended again!!! Seriously. So, if you don’t see me for know why. I’m a danger to myself and possibly society! ha

When your car has a mind of it’s own..but isn’t named Herbie!

written June 2nd.

My car..sigh...I love it, I really do. Believe it or not, it's a huge step up from the last one I had that started randomly dying as I would be driving down the it a regular street, the highway, or even interstate. Yeah..I almost got rear-ended numerous times until it finally did it to my dad like 8 times in one day and he decided to believe that I wasn't making it up just so I could get myself a new ride! Silly dad.

Anyway, back to the current vehicle...a 2001 Ford Explorer Sport. First of all, the back left end has been seriously low for months now. People around town, including many that I don't even know, have pointed it out to me and told me it probably isn't safe to keep driving on it. Ha. So I took it to a body shop to have them look at that and my gas cap door because it wouldn't shut all the way. My friend fixed the door, but said I needed to take it to a different place to get the other fixed, because he didn't see anything wrong. The other place decided it was just REAAAAALLLY out of alignment. In fact, they came back to the waiting area laughing at me and said, "We don't know WHAT you did to it, but it's bad and is going to take 2 to 3 hours to fix." I said..."So what, you think I hit something or what are you saying here? Cause I guarandamntee you, I haven't!" (Okay, except a lot of dips...probably way to fast and hard!! hee hee Oh come on..they didn't need to know that!)

Anyway, I scheduled an appt. to get it fixed and never made it in and haven't rescheduled. So, much to my father's chagrin, I'm probably getting really close to needing at least 1 new tire on top of getting the really jacked up alignment taken care of.

But now...for the newest episode. The last couple months, I'll go to start my car and it won't do anything. Then I have to shake the gearshift and try again and all is fine. I mentioned this to my dad and my male friends here in town. They (not my dad) told me it was because I drove a gay-ass "Exploder" and what did I expect. RUDE and NOT HELPING! Geez. Dad just said they do that sometimes and not to worry about it yet.

So yesterday my car, who apparently has decided is Herbie's EVIL cousin or something...started reversing...on it's own...when the car was in park...both when on AND off. It only goes about 2 or 3 feet before it catches and stops, but come on. Today, I went to the bank during lunch and they were packed so I had to park across the street. I put it in park, shut er off, got out and started heading across the street...only to be nearly RAN OVER by my very own car!!! What the hell?!

A) Embarrassing
B) Retarded
C) Rude
D) POS car- I'm humming the Adam Sandler tune right now!
E) Not okay with me!

So, the beast is going to the shoppy shop tomorrow to get an oil change, probably a butt-lift (wish I could get one too!), and a lesson on how to NOT back that ass up...and run over your owner!

*************************FOR SALE*************************
2001 FORD EXPLORER SPORT (black with tinted windows and really cute!)Let's make a deal!

Just kidding. It may have a mind of its own, be a little psycho, and apparently hate me...but I kinda like it. We're kindred spirits, 2 peas in a pod, with big butts and big attitudes to match! But I promise you this, my next car will NOT be an Explorer!

Let's see...the gearshift needs a new cable, the back ass that is dragging is because although it's not missing any springs and they aren't broken either...they no longer have any tension- which means it's getting new shocks and springs on the back end, and apparently there is an entire part missing on the front end that they noticed when they had it up in the air...the Sway bar link, AND an oil change. All told it's costing me (okay, costing my poor dad!!!) almost $1000 to get it all fixed! Gotta hate cars and really love parents, eh?! Craptastic.

My new favorite joke!

written May 28th.

Okay, so a friend sent me this joke in a text yesterday..and although I don't have it in front of's hilarious and I think I can remember it close enough to retell it. It has now taken the place of my favorite joke with the infamous line "Moo Moo Buckaroo"!

A young blonde woman calls her boyfriend and tells him she needs help putting a puzzle together, the pieces just don't seem to fit and she can't figure it out.

The boyfriend ask her what the puzzle is supposed to be of? So the blonde looks at the box and replies, "The picture shows it's a tiger, but there's just no way these are the right pieces".

So the boyfriend heads on over to save the day and help his young damsel in distress figure out her puzzle. When he arrives at her place he looks at the puzzle pieces, checks out the front of the box and then says to his girlfriend, "You are right. There is no way these pieces will fit together to look like a tiger. Now, lets just put the frosted flakes back in the box!"

HA! Come know you laughed. All I can tell ya is...that shit wouldn't have happened if the dumbass woulda been eating BRAN FLAKES!!! Holla!! hee hee

It takes two to tango, eh?

written May 21st.

So, while I was attending my hometown friend Roger's wedding this weekend, come to find of the biggest tool's I know on this planet also was getting married this past Saturday. I just found that tidbit out today. Here is my question to you. I realize many people out there finding true love, are great outgoing, kind, and fun people that deserve to find love and be happy...but what about the rest of these yahoooooos that are getting married before me?! lmao

I say this while laughing, but yet am kind of serious. I mean, there are some serious asses out there "falling in love" and getting married and I can't even average more than a frickin date a decade?! What is going on here? And what seriously chaps my hide are those that are repeat offenders...out there getting married, divorced, finding someone new and doing it all over....over and over again. STOP IT! You should only get one until we've all had one! lol It's only fair.
So for all the fellas out there, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you! I'm smart, funny, independent, can cook, sew, etc., and I don't think I'm scary to look at. You fools are missing out!

Besides....someone MUST help mother is making prayer requests at church that I find a husband soon and sending me emails telling me my internal clock is ticking, my younger sister is nervous that I talk to my dogs too much, and my dad is tired of doing all my odd jobs when he comes to visit and is threatening to stop visiting! ha

Being single...oh's flipping fantabulous. WHATEVER! It's for the birds I tell ya!

I'll pass...

written on May 14th.

...out in the shower again this week probably! Honestly, do any of you know someone that passes out in the shower more than me?! I did it again this morning. But today I was so overheated that once I got up and out, I had to lay on the floor for like 20 minutes to recover. I gotta get therapy for my germ phobia and soon...this "taking super hot showers so I feel clean" business can't be good...obviously!

SO, since I've started the day off on with a rough's the list of things I do NOT care for that I promised in my previous blog post:

Driving by stinky feed lots, the taste of dove and the fact that anyone would waste time hunting and cleaning it for such a miniscule piece of meat that is so gamey anyway, bad hair days, snot (especially that of others!! ha), jacked up teethies, sleep deprivation, crying til there are no more tears, Monday mornings, the stupid caveman Geico people, that boxy looking weird car I think it's called the Element????, not getting to see my friends and family as much as I want to, not having the funds to do the things I wish I could for myself and others, ruben sandwiches, brussel sprouts, any form of liquid medication, being lied to, scales, pain, and most of the music that Nashville tries to call country music today.

But have no fear my friends...I still like you! Have a good one! Don't pass the shower or anywhere else! I'm off to eat my daily dose of bran flakes! is good in Sarahland.

Taco, burrito, what’s hangin out yo speedo?!

Written on May 7th.

Hope everyone wore a sombrero this past weekend sometime. It makes a person happy. Really.

In honor of happiness, here is a list of things I love:

Sombreros, hot tubs, laughing until it hurts, great hair days, Saturdays, football, a good drink, a good book, a great friend, doors that open by pushing instead of pulling...(cause I feel I get less germies that way), bran flakes, tulips, listening to the funny things kids say, animals, snail mail letters, kisses, the feeling of accomplishment after a good workout, bagels (ha...not right after working out!!), family, memories, how a certain song or smell can take you to a different place or time, flip flops and pedicures, BBQ's with friends, glow in the dark bowling, wrapping up in a warm handmade quilt, pretty teeth, the Facts of Life tv show, Tom Hanks in The Money Pit- especially when the tub falls through the floor and he's laughing and the part where he says "honey, we have weak trees!", the smell of a new car, cuddling, a hike with friends somewhere scenic, naps, the ocean, and being independent.

I'll save the things I don't care for, for another...less joyous day! lol

For freaks like me

Written on April 18th.

My dear friend Jenna, that knows me so very well...and does not shun me for my weird habits and odd quirks, has sent me a wonderfully amazing website for a product that will undoubtedly mean the world to any others of you out there that are....


Yes indeedy. If you, too, fear the creepy crawlies that lurk all around us, most the time invisible to the eye, you will most definitely want this new product as much as I do. I've emailed it to my parents and suggested they order me a know...just for future panic attacks and germ encounters!

Please...for the love of Pete (whomever he may be), check out this website!

And then, thank my good friend Jenna for sharing!

Side effects of being Sarah

This was actually written on April 16th.

Okay, so it has not been my week...and yes, it's only Wednesday!

Sunday, I managed to accidentally back into a gas meter with the side of my of course, was hard enough that it caused a huge gas leak and the gas company and police were all there. Swell.

Monday I find out the son of my neighbor that had just got out of jail for apparently killing someone...and we thought had already been rearrested and put back in jail for something not only NOT back in jail, but living next door to me! Freaks my freak!

Tuesday, I was pulling a glass pan out of the stove that I was baking bread in (yes people still bake bread...without a's better that way!!), and I missed the potholder and burnt the shit outta my hand and dropped the dish. It hit the open stove door and shattered into a thousand tiny shards of glass all over the kitchen floor, as well as inside the frickin STOVE! And to make matters even worse...the bread was ruined...because it now had tiny pieces of glass all over it also. DAMMIT!

THEN, today...I went out back this morning to do the daily chemicals in the hot tub and decided I needed to add water because it was pretty low. So I put the hose in and went back inside to finish getting ready. WELL....when I came back home for LUNCH about 20 minutes ago...I remembered it! Talk about overflowing! There was water EVERYWHERE! It took a good 15 minutes of scooping buckets of water out, to get the water level where it should be! My arms are tired! ha

I'm thinking the rest of this week has to be spectacular! Right?! What else can go wrong? Sarahland...pretty much everything! Maybe you all should not hang out with me anymore. It might be contagious!

Monday madness in my mind

This is from April 7th.

Pomegranite martinis are my new drink of the month. Yummy.

I have spring fever in a bad way.

Dogs are stinky.

Everyone should have someone to cuddle with.

The lottery is rigged.

I want to go somewhere exotic, warm, sunny, and far away from reality.

I’m thinking I’ll wear my sombrero to work all day on the 5th.

Money really SHOULD grow on least on mine.

Whatever happened to Sinead O’Connor and her bald ass head?

Somedays I think I should shave my own head.

If you were invited to a botox party, would you go..or would you be offended?

The welfare system should tell certain individuals that in order to receive assistance, they are no longer allowed to procreate and must have a hysterectomy.

I just ate a banana, which I’m allergic to...but eat anyways for potassium and because they say you should. Now my entire mouth is tingling.

I want to do something spectacular for 4th of July weekend and get the hell outta dodge.

Dodge is a weird word.

My doctor told me this past week that he thought he had found a guy for me, since my mom is still obsessed with finding me a husband...but that he just found out he’s engaged. Thanks doc. What the hell was the point in that story. Thanks for letting me know.

Is it time for Oktoberfest? I need a bierock, booze, and some bad polka music.

Who said naptime is just for toddlers and the elderly? That’s bullshit.