A source of joy and sadness...

The 2 cutest family members!


The birthday boy enjoying his first cake!


This past Thursday was my beloved little nephew's 1st birthday! So Thursday, I drove to Denver and then flew to Dallas for the weekend. My parents arrived the next day to help celebrate. We all don't get to see him or his parents near often enough, so we were kind of ridiculous with Adam. As soon as someone put him down, another one of us was there to pick him back up and enjoy him as much as possible. I mean, seriously, have you looked at my photos of him?? He is the cutest little guy I've ever seen in my life!

He is starting to walk and says a few words. He is a very happy little guy, always smiling and has the most hilarious laugh I've ever heard. At times you kind of wonder if he's hyperventilating!

As much as I love him and even wanted to bring him home with me...seeing him AND leaving him makes me so very sad. Most young girls grow up dreaming about their wedding day and how perfect it will be. Not me. I grew up dreaming about being a mom and how wonderful the experience would be. So, here I sit...at 30 years old, with not even a hint of motherhood in my future. I begin going through my usual questions (I do this at least once a year...cause I'm a freak)..."What the hell is wrong with me?", "Why does God not think I'm ready for this part of life?", "What have I done to put myself in an eternal state of singleness and childlessness?" (okay, yes..I'm pretty sure that's not a word), and "When the hell is it going to be MY turn for something I've dreamed about my whole life?"

I know...pity party for myself in full effect. Stupid, ridiculous, embarrassing, sad...but nonetheless, true. A few years ago, I told my family that if I wasn't married by my mid 30's, I wasn't going to sit around waiting for someone else to enter my life and help make this particular dream come true. I would just adopt. The closer I get to that age...the more I want to follow through with it...yet the more I realize that financially, I don't think I will be able to do it by myself. Which not only makes me sad...it quite frankly...really ticks me off! I like being an independent person, making choices for myself, learning from the bad ones, etc. But why should I not be able to have all the things I desire in life...just because I'm frickin single! I'm so over it. And for all of you that are married, I swear to you...if you tell me how much you miss being single and how fun it was...I may never speak to you again!

So today, as I sit here thinking about this, I'm not sure which is bothering me more. The fact that I'm single and really hope to not live my entire life alone...or the fact that I may never get to be a mother. Those that know me and my family... you know it's a fun, loving, and caring family. My mother is a riot, highly entertaining, very kind, and a wonderful person. I kinda thought those were all qualities I possessed as well...which makes me think that I'd be just as spectacular of a mom as she. I just hope I get the chance someday.

Whew...sorry for the depressing post, I'll try to be back to my normal chipper self on the next one. It's just on my mind and I'm desperately already missing my little Adam. He brings a smile to face, joy to my heart, and laughter to my soul. I wish he was closer.